The Black Sith
by ardavenport
Summary: Two Knights face off. Star Wars / Monty Python mix.


**The Black Sith**

by ardavenport

* * *

Two Knights face off over the molten rivers of Mutafar. The shielded droid platform under the two mortal enemies skims over the deadly orange lava flow.

"Aaaauuuugggghhh!"

The music rises. Lightsabers clash with deadly energy, brighter, even more deadly than the molten rock.

"Unnhh. Aaaauuuggggh!!"

One light, one dark. They struggle to kill each other. The Force is really disturbed.

"Unh! Arugh! Aaaaarrraaauuuugggghhh!!

The darkly clad Sith is young and strong with hate and anger. The older (but not too old), bearded Master is weakening, tiring under the betrayal of his former pupil, his light tunics are spotted and singed from ash and hot cinders. Even with their faces singed and smudged with soot and sweat, their hair mussed and dusted with ash, they are both still rather good looking.

"Ooofff! Unngghh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhh!!"

They pass close by the banks of the lava lake and Obi-Wan Kenobi sees his chance. He leaps high into the air. The Force carries him to land on the rise of a hill of ash-covered, blackened gravel.

"You fight well, Anakin. But it's over."

The droid platform slowly carries the Sith back to his target. Darth Vader yellowed eyes smolder.

"You can't win this now."

Slowly, the Sith draws closer, his expression as black as the Dark Side. Or possibly it was just petulant, since the former Anakin Skywalker had that kind of face.

"You were the Chosen One!" Kenobi shouts, unable to contain his anguish.

Darth Vader glares back up at him.

"You were supposed to destroy the Sith, not join it! Bring balance to the Force not leave it in darkness!!" Kenobi cries out, letting out his real feelings.

The droid platform stops, the Sith Lord atop it remains motionless.

"This is the end for you, My Master," Vader finally says, ominously.

Kenobi shakes his head. "I have the high ground." He raises his hands, pointing out the charred, but still non-molten hill he stands on.

"You underestimate My Power!"

"Don't try it." Kenobi warns.

"Nnnnaaaauuuggghhhh!!" Vader leaps up into the air. Higher than Obi-Wan did. He flips gracefully over, his lightsaber ready. The Jedi Master neatly picks off the arm holding it. The bright blue blade winks out and the lightsaber hilt falls down at Kenobi's feet.

"It's over, Anakin!" he declares.

"It's just a scratch." Vader leaps to his feet and tosses his head back. A few bits of ash artfully fall off his full head of hair.

Obi-Wan's stares back. "A scratch? Your arm's off!"

"No, it isn't."

Obi-Wan points at the still twitching, mechanical limb between them. "Well, what's that, then?"

"I've had worse." Vader doesn't look down at the severed arm.

"You liar!" Obi-Wan shouts back.

"Come on, you pansy!" Vader's lightsaber springs up into the air and ignites as it lands in his other hand. He attacks.

Mmmmmm-fzzzzt!! Ssssss-mmmaacccccckkk!! Fzzztttt-mmmmmmm-waaaack!!

Kenobi cuts Vader's other arm off. The former Anakin Skywalker's lightsaber again falls harmlessly at Obi-Wan Kenobi's feet. Vader now has two, matching black stumps at his shoulders.

"Victory is mine!" Kenobi declares. He kneels to pick up the fallen lightsaber.

"Hah!" Vader jumps forward, kicking at Kenobi. "Come on, then!"

Kenobi leaps up, still holding his opponent‛s weapon. "What?"

"Have at you!" Anakin continues kicking at Kenobi, but since he is lower on the slope of the hill, and the black gravel keeps sliding out from under him, it's pretty ineffective.

"The fight is mine, Anakin. You've lost."

"Oh, had enough, eh?" Vader continues to challenge Kenobi, dancing from foot to foot and thrusting his shoulders forward.

"Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!" Kenobi points at the stumps at his shoulders.

"Yes, I have," Vader denies.

"Look!" Kenobi points down at the pair of arms that Vader is trying not to step on as he continues throwing ankle kicks.

"Just a flesh wound," Vader declares.

"Look, stop that." A bit grossed out now, Kenobi steps back up the hill.

"Coward!" He skips from side to side, dodging his head. "Nyah, Nyah, Nyah!"

"Look, I'll have your leg." Kenobi warns, but Vader keeps moving, jabbing at him with his non-arms.

"Right!"

Ffffffffzzzzzzzzzzttttt!!

Kenobi's saber flashes, chopping off Vader's right leg.

Vader looks down at the now separated leg before him. Then up at his old Master. Then down at the leg. Then back up again.

"Right. I'll do you for that!"

"You'll what?" Kenobi stares back, astonished.

"Come here!" Vader demands, still keeping his balance while bouncing up and down on his one remaining leg.

"What are you going to do, bleed on me?" the Jedi asks, his voice thick with sarcasm.

Darth Vader angrily hops at Kenobi.

"I'm invincible! You underestimate MY POWER!!"

Master Obi-Wan Kenobi stares down at what is left of his former apprentice and the limbs on the ashy ground between them, their ends still smoking.

"You're a looney."

"The Sith will triumph! I will RULE THE GALAXY!! Have at you! Come on, then!"

MMMmm-FFFFzzzzztttt!!

Kenobi chops off Darth Vader's last leg with his lightsaber. The Sith falls and lays limbless on the shore of the lava lake.

"Oh? All right, we'll call it a draw."

Kenobi doesn't even look back as he turns and walks off, up the hill.

Flames lick up from the lava lake, at Darth Vader's leg stumps. "Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!"

Kenobi passes over the crest of the ash gravel hill and disappears. Fire engulfs the Sith.

**– END –**

(This story was first posted on tf.n - 2-Oct-2006)

**Disclaimer:** All characters and situations belong to George and Lucasfilm; I'm just playing in their sandbox.


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